The Little Red Vomit Comet

Long gone seem the days of maple syrup covered homes, aquaphor smothered bedheads, and various other toddler/young child messes.


In truly original “The Mom Job” fashion, let me take you all on a journey, and let’s start at 1am CST the early morning of December 9th.

Mom… I threw up,” and with that, I’m awake and looking bleary-eyed into the face of my obviously unwell eldest son.

I ask if he’s ok, he says no, and we start our trek to the back of the house. I can smell the smelly smell of human mouth discard 15 feet from his door.

I threw up on in the bed first…” he begins.

First. That’s where he threw up first.

Conner occupies the top bunk of a bunk bed. He’s roughly 3 feet from the ceiling when flat. Apparently, when Conner first woke throwing up, it wasn’t just a little hiccup. It went onto the white popcorn 1970s ceiling in brilliant fashion.

Second, he threw up the length of his bed as he attempted to escape his own hell.

Third is when he blew chunks all over the ladder getting off of said bunk bed.

My hypothesis is that Fourth happened on Chase’s bed, the bottom bunk, barely missing the sleeping sibling.

Fifth was clearly and obviously in the threshold of the bathroom, bless this child for even attempting to get to a proper receptacle.

Sixth and subsequent heaves were conducted sorta over the sink in an effort of good faith, but mostly on the grout of a recently tiled bathroom floor.

Now, I know we are almost to the end of our story and this piece of information is important as you picture the nastiness of this situation, but I’m choosing to drop it here:

Before bed, Conner downed an entire glass of red drink. The white ceiling he projectile vomited on? Literally dripping in red throw up. The sheets, the CURTAINS, the ladder, the carpet, the bottom sheets and comforter, and the grout are not only soaked in human waste, but red and very staining red waste.

So at 1am, I helped Conner change into less disgusting pajamas, wiped his face, got him some water and Tylenol, and put him to sleep next to his brother (who had also been stripped of the majority of his clothing and bedding, but was still fast asleep).

A bucket was placed beside his bed in hopes that any future vomit would land there and not everywhere else.

This morning I was able to evaluate the carnage left behind with natural sunlight pouring in. As I sit here typing nearly 10 hours later, I can’t help but occasionally shake the wafting smell of vomit away from my face.

Someone send peppermint oil, vodka and a hazmat team. It’s all preschool up in this house, but at least I am a seasoned vet.

Signed, A Mother Scorned

"Mom, can you sign this?" and with that a chaotic group of papers are shoved into my hands and a guilty frown forms upon my son’s face.

A ticked off frown forms upon my own.

At the top there are 3 cards - 1 is for a signature, another for his behavior in “home room”, and the 3rd a behavior card for his time with his rotating teachers. The first card is fine, no infractions, while the second card states Conner was caught drawing on the whiteboard with a pencil.

In my head: At least it wasn't with a marker... or a pen.

That’s not my main concern as I’m immediately distracted by the grade on the first paper - which is bright orange and hard to miss. It would be even harder to miss if it weren’t embellished with the grade “72/100”.

Parenting makes you tired, but nothing will light your fire and render a day’s caffeine requirement null like a scorned mother with a last minute "Will you witness this horrific ish I did last week?" request from your 4th grader.


Conner was asked to test for gifted classes earlier this semester. He has long excelled at the subjects in which school consists of, but has an “application of wisdom block”. In other words, he can’t be bothered to school hard because school is easy. Sometimes too easy. Sometimes so easy that we get bored and find this segue into the current story…

...He made a C. The child that reads on a high school level made a low C on a reading comprehension test.

In real talk, his reviews came home for his last 9 weeks and he had a low B in Reading Comprehension. Bad news bears for Conner - he has been grounded from his favorite game, Space Engineers, as I deemed it both something that occupied too much brain space AND a privilege I could revoke. A favorite fun thing of his that, if gone, he would be motivated to bring back.

And he does miss his precious game. Plus, he’s used his extra free time to a) read more b) discover old toys and c) play nicely with his siblings. All fine and dandy until this morning when he slapped me in the face with his poor choices.

The test featured a bolded question along with 3 “bullet points” below the question before providing an entire page of lines for the student to answer on. He was to read a story, then each question, and answer. For 4 pages, front and back, Conner would read the bolded question, disregard the near paragraph of helpful content, and then provide his version of an answer.

Problem - those bullet points contained pertinent information that essentially provided a guide as to what information the student should include. These sentences would say things like “include setting information”, “explain the tone”, or “name the character who did X”.

It was obvious and apparent that Conner deemed himself too smart and too unentertained to answer in full and skipped merrily through the questions, cherry-picking the ones to answer.

He committed school sin numero uno: READ ALL OF THE INSTRUCTIONS.

I’m torn. Grounding him doesn’t seem to positively influence the issue. If he were struggling with his school work, I would either work more closely with him or find a tutor. If he were acting out, aside from writing on the whiteboard with a pencil, then I’d straight up take things away (computer, XBOX, etc).

This morning he showed regret. On the way to school, he had a bit of a breakdown and told me he would try harder. I think he’s torn too.

Somewhere around 3rd grade, I came home with a B on my report card. I remember distinctly running down the steep grassy hill to our fuschia-toned home (it was the color of the Glidden paint can), my heart racing and tears streaming. I couldn’t stomach a bad grade.

Conner doesn’t have that reaction. Instead, he called me as soon as he got home this afternoon. He used a tone I don’t hear often, it’s soft and it’s sorry. I asked if had time to think about our talk this morning, and he said he had. He said he would be more careful and read more thoroughly. He knows how to solve this.


Am I doing the right thing? Is his light punishment enough? Or do I have a serial lazy student?

What would you do? Or is this up to him to fix? 

How To See a Dermatologist Without a Co-Pay using Curology

I’ve been with Curology (formerly known as PocketDerm) for almost a year now (happy cake day!) and I’m still feeling rather Jane Jetson about the entire experience - it’s just too good to be true!

Curology is an online e-dermatologist that specializes in treating acne and anti-aging concerns. Because Curology utilizes real doctors with actual medical degrees, they are able to prescribe custom-blended prescription creams and pills, delivered straight to your door.

The consultations are a breeze. Once you’ve signed up using the referral link, your first month is free, so get busy! Your doctor will need pictures of your face and other problem areas. My first time I sent close to 10 photos. These should be taken with as much natural light as possible (without whitewashing things) while your skin is fresh and clean. Review your photos to make positive they adequately represent what’s really going on with your face. (Is that skin flaking? Or am I seeing some doughnut? - common dilemma for me).

He or She will also need general information about your skin - what are you currently using? What are your concerns? Stress? Hormonal? This is also the time to include any current medications and conditions to avoid negative side effects.

The part that makes Curology feel like you're stealing something:

  • $20 a month - no additional costs **EXCEPT** your co-pay for pills (mine = $3 and I have horrid insurance). The creams and unlimited consultations are included (and your custom Rx cream is often shipped with fun samples too). You determine how often you receive a new bottle at no additional charge. Simply change your ship date from your Curology account page.
  • You can talk to your doctor ad nauseum about your skin. My 4 follow-ups with Dr. Lortscher  have included at least 2 dissertations, 1 life story, and links to products I currently used. He claims to appreciate my thoroughness. Bless.
  • ...And the good Dr. replies. Not just a little either - he takes the time to address each concern, offer some scientific background that is easily digestible, offer tips and tricks for product application (both your Curology script and your current beauty regimen), recommends different products if necessary, and will also talk to you about your treatment options. Again - at length.
  • Did I mention this costs less than a co-pay?
  • And that you never left your couch?

My current Curology prescription:

Cream / 
     0.018% Tretinoin
     1% Clindamycin
     8% Azelaic Acid

Oral Medication / 
     + 50mg Spironolocatone daily (which has 4 refills. I pay $3.00 a month to my local pharmacy to pick this up)

I apply this nightly after cleansing, Vitamin C, BHA + AHA... but before my moisturizer.

I apply this nightly after cleansing, Vitamin C, BHA + AHA... but before my moisturizer.

So far I’ve seen a huge decrease in the amount of facial redness as well as brighter, clearer skin. Due to my Mirena installation earlier this year, my face took a moment to properly come unglued. No big - I carefully observed the chaos, took some photos, slapped together a novella on the issue, and my e-dermatologist had a Spironolactone prescription at my local pharmacy the next day. Did I already bless this man? Bless him. He helped fix my face.

What are your biggest skin concerns? How do you address them? Would Curology benefit you? Leave it all in the comments section!