Church of Amanda But Elsewhere

Let us gather round the computer and read as I talk about work some more, k?

Good.

Basically, I’ve known for awhile now that coverage of Montgomery on al.com basically translated into “coverage of the churches” if you read it 3 times in the bathroom mirror with the lights out. True story. But, being that Montgomery is some weird vortex of … odd… I couldn’t grasp EXACTLY how to come at it.

I mean, what capital city basically has their church bulletin on the front page of its newspaper? Bingo. Thus, my problem.

Somehow, I need to do one or a ninja combo of the following things, and do so in a rockstar kind of way. You are following, surely:

• Bullet Points. Win.
• Deliver this week’s message in a readable and mildly entertaining fashion. Or at least not “shoot me” boring.
• Talk about upcoming and ongoing in-church events without also boring people’s faces off.
• Promote said items via FB and Twitter such that people *actually* click the links.
• Develop features based out of the church itself — this one might actually be relatively easy once I have my “in-church roots”.
• Rinse and repeat often.

Some of you may be reading this, not from Alabama, and wondering “wtcrap is she even TALKING about? church news?” and to you I say “dude. BELIEVE ME I KNOW”. And I’ve spoken about this before in a series of posts - Church of Amanda and Church of Amanda Issues Its First Newsletter.

You’ll be happy to know that I got past the fact that people here very often ask “where is your church home?” directly after “nice to meet you”. It becomes much less frequent as you stop leading with “I’m new to Montgomery”. Although, it does still happen (more often than you’d probably believe).

And now here I live in Not Only Be In Church BUT Cover Multiple Churches on an IN YOUR FACE Level. It’s been a weird year, guys. Weird. Year.

Party?

Conner being a creature of habit asked for his birthday party to be at the local bowling alley like last year. It was no hassle (as no-hassle as a birthday party can be for a parent) and the kids enjoyed themselves. Best part (aside from Conner having a ball): no clean-up.

So there I am last Saturday, a full month out from his actual birthday, calling said bowling alley in attempt to book this bash.

Me: Yes, I’d like to book a birthday party.

Asst Ball Polisher: Ok. When?

Me: <date>

ABP: … ooooh. Yeah. That’s not going to work. See, my manager told me that we couldn’t book ANY parties for the entire month of June because of a bowling tournament. I can get your information and let her call you back.

Me: …

So I give him some contact info and started to google. Number 1, there’s only 3 bowling alleys in this city (f*ck). Number 2, of those 3 this one was the only one not located in the ghetto. Number 3, EVEN IF I WANTED TO GO TO THE GHETTO AND BOWL WITH A GROUP OF 5-YEAR OLDS, I COULDN’T IN THE MONTH OF JUNE BECAUSE THIS TOURNAMENT OF DOUCHECANOES WAS GOING ON AT EVERY VENUE.

::facepalm::

I entered panic mode. I was ***not*** ok with having his party at my home for these reasons:

• Space:: We have a lovely house with 4 bedrooms/2 baths, but it’s just not conducive to 10 5-year-olds and their parent(s). Like, just no.
• Cleaning:: I loathe nothing more than busting my figurative balls for a full week all-the-while getting the cake and the food and the drinks and the favors and all other things that are applicable ONLY for my party guests to whirl through the house which then results in me being left with utter destruction. Which means, the next day, I have to clean the whole damn thing again.
• Weather:: Space would be less of an issue if we used our fenced-in backyard… but it’s June. The last week of June, to be more precise. And in Alabama that = 95+ degree, 80% humidity and 100% OMG SHOOT ME
• That’s about it. (Oh! But we also have 3 dogs. So there.)

Then, I entered a different version of panic mode because I live in this NO GOOD, HORRIBLE, CRAP HOLE of a city and as I googled other places to have this par-tay, I came up with these alternatives:

• Pump It Up - pretty much every other party we’ve been invited to has been there. Conner isn’t much for it. And it’s just rather “bleck”
• … THAT’S IT.

No other alternatives!

Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh. 

Can’t bring the party “home” to Birmingham (where I’d have like, 30923909320482043 options for venues) because all of his pre-school pals are HERE (and therefore unlikely to willingly drive 2 hours for a bday party).

Two days later, the bowling alley called and could “fit me in” on the FOLLOWING Saturday (note: in 8 days from the end of the conversation). 

Me: …

NO.

So I emailed around to his preschool pal’s parents (PPPs) (noteworthy: the only parent I’ve ever seen do that is yours truly) and was all “so um, <insert dramatic story> could you come?> to which I received 4 “um NOs” within 3 hours.

Fabulous, but I don’t blame them. It was very short notice and a lot of these PPPs are AF families who all have 24/7 access to bowling on-base, so. Yeah. I get these things.

Then a brillant idea popped in my head: POOL PARTY.

But where? Oh where? We do have a YMCA membership but I’d never heard of a party there. So I called.

And we booked it.

THANK GOD.

Oh, but it costs $250 to rent the pool for 2 hours because they have to employee a lifeguard after hours for us (yes, we are literally “shutting that shit down”) and DUDE. That’s pricey. I still have cupcakes/cake, pizza, paper product, refreshments, etc OMG.

Buy this so we can afford it.

 Oh, and I’m pretty positive I’m making this:

source: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3518/3315119454_d719cabfc7.jpg