An Open Letter to Students EVERYWHERE

Because B-Metro is my slave driver:SLEEEEEEEEEP

We dread it and slap our alarm clocks. We grunt and moan and eventually make it to school, half asleep and planning our mid Shakespearian review nap. At the time, school seems “stupid” and for the most part boring. Seeing our friends is great and the parking lot after school is a mess, but the freedom of being in our own cars is awesome. Oh, and we know everything.

Then we graduate, and for a lot of us, we attend college. Within a few short days of university level freedom, mounds of awesomeness open before us as we taste nectar from the Do Not Have To Get Up At 6 AM tree. And we schedule 10 a.m. classes (or later) and think our 8:30 lab is early, even when we know we will show up in our pajamas at 8:28.

At some point during the next 10 year (plus or minus), we meet someone and get married. We have children and those children grow up.

And then, the worst thing happens - our offspring go to school.

Which means that we re-dread and re-slap our alarm clocks. We re-grunt and re-moan and eventually make it to school drop-off, half asleep and planning our nap that we’ll likely never get.

So my advice to anyone reading this IN college now is (cont.)

OOH! Can you believe I just did that? I cut you off MID SENTENCE. Not only mid sentence, but AT THE “CLIMAX” OF MY POST. I’m such a bitch.

Finish reading, please and cupcakes, after the jump.

Helpful Advice to Newly Expectant Teenage Girls

Admission: I watch Secret Life of an American Teenager. Another admission: I’m not really a 13-year-old girl. Additional admission: I can’t even follow most of the storyline and I giggle through most of it. But, seeing as you are likely not a 13-year-old girl or as moronic as I, the storyline as of now is that GASP! yet another teenager is preggers with the baby of the original preggers girl’s old boyfriend (yet not the boyfriend that knocked her up). 

For those who are visual learners:

Luckily for us all, I just figured something out during this episode that will likely save any future preggers teenager a LOT of “get out of my house, you whore” from any number of family members or friends.

Here goes: If you’re a teenage girl, and become pregnant, immediately tell everyone you are going to abort the child. Work it up, let the gossip mill run, and have everyone tell you their opinion on abortion. 

Then, the day of the appointment, decide not to have the abortion and begin surprising people who think you’ve just murdered a baby w/ the news: SURPRISE! Alive baby! In the end: parents are hugging & everyone loves everyone. And the pregnant teen? She’s the most loved OF ALL.

You’re welcome.

Get a good therapist.