Mike: "Are you writing about boners?" Me: "Boners are funny."

I sit down to write and I say “oh, hell… what was the topic again?” and after clicking over to my Teux-Duex list (and you thought I was just being a smartass), I remember:

Boners.

And potty training.

Just stick with me here.

Over the course of 2 children, I have learned that little boys are… special… in the ways of mastering the throne. Wizzing away with their little joy sticks can mean havock upon any surface, showering feet above their heads, sprinkling out doors and onto grout, on their shirts, up their face (infants), and even as yellow script in fresh snow…

Beautiful thoughts, yes?

But after 2 seperate instances with 2 seperate children over the course of this week, I’ve decided that this must be addressed in a public venue so that I may not seek out therapy over the horror of seeing my son’s… attentive soldiers… ONE MORE TIME that which will land me in the Crazy House.

A few nights ago, Conner awoke around midnight. He had to pee, but this was hindered. You see, as your husband/fiance/screw-partner may have mentioned to you at some point, men can not pee with an erection. And although I have no men in my home, I do have 2 children and a Michael. And those children (sigh… and The Michael) can have erections.

So Conner starts screaming. From the toilet. With an erection. Because he is half asleep - and needs to piss.

And he screams, and he grunts (apparently, men have to PUSH… freaks), and at some point he makes “progress”.

He grunts more and piss squirts across the room. And he screams and cries and doesn’t totally understand what’s going on (he “half wakes”), grunts and squeezes…

Squeezes and grunts.

Piss and stop.

Stop and grunt and piss.

Walls, floor, door, Michael - these are all things covered in random piss squirts.

Then he is freed of his urine debacle and goes back to bed.

And I’m left laughing. At midnight.

Which leaves us with our potty-training King of The Month: Chase.

Chase, who was half-potty trained months ago (showed a huge interest in it, but had a lack of control over when he could, so he went when he could, and always wore a diaper), somehow decided last week (RIGHT after a Pull-Ups commercial) that he wanted to “go potty”. And he did.

And ever since, he has had a handful of accidents and wears a diaper only at night.

That’s right - even nap time is diaper free! It’s post-nap time that brings us to our Erectile Function issue.

He needs to go, and he’s groggy. And newly awaken, again, equaling erect penis. Especially since Chase’s #2 favorite thing to do in this world (#1 being playing with trucks, cars, vans, small planes, things with wheels, etc) is mess with his wiener.

Like. It’s. His. Job.

There he is, standing over the toilet, messing with his semi-erect cocktail weinie until it becomes more … attentive, and then he is all “uuughh” “uuggghhh”.

Him: “My pee is bo-kin”

:: face palm ::

Me: “No, baby, it’s not. We will try again in a minute”

And so he is dismissed to.. um.. walk it off.

Can I stop talking about this now? File under: delete before “Big School”.

Holding Back In Preschool - Conner's Story

Last year, I touched on a problem we are having with Conner (“soon to be 5”), who is a Summer birthday and, obviously, male. When you combine those two things, being young and being a boy, you tend to fall into the Not Catching On As Quickly As The Older Children Or The Girls category. 

I feel like a horrible mom for even saying that, but it’s the truth. That does not mean Conner is “slow” or less intelligent, but rather, he’s at a dual disadvantage. Not only does being younger mean less advanced and mature, but it also means, for a boy, he’s the smallest boy in his class. Where we live, being on the smaller side in itself is a reason to hold back a boy in school. In a state where football reigns supreme, and sports are a right of passage, boys need all the height and weight advantage they can muster.

I don’t necessarily agree with holding back a boy just because he’s smaller, seeing as Conner doesn’t exactly exude sports, but I don’t want him to be so much smaller that he’s picked on. As we all know, kids can be mean, and as his mother I owe him a chance to even out the playing field.

Along with teacher recommendations, we’ve registered Conner for another round of 4-year-old preschool next year. The good news is that it won’t be a complete stagnant or lateral move. Conner will go from 3 days a week (what he does now) to a 5 day program. With daily school, he will also take on a few days of an extra hour or so, staying for lunch with his friends, and the curriculum includes more arts and extracurriculars (such as “theater”). 

Conner is also seeing a speech therapist, which he will see weekly during the summer. I really feel that this will help him achieve some of the things he gets frustrated with. Commonly, he becomes frustrated and, consequently “bored”, because he can’t express himself verbally as well as others.

For the most part, I am excited about him getting caught up and giving him more time to master some skills he hasn’t yet (in many areas, Conner is on track, while in others… he lacks the “maturity” to handle certain tasks). He made such progress between last year and this year with his behavior, so I only expect the same thing will happen academically between this year and next. 

I do have some hesitation about this. The phrase “holding him back” bounces between my ears, sending a little tinge of guilt through my body. The guilt compounds when I know, as his mother, how incredibly bright Conner is. He picks things up so quickly, is so incredibly imaginative, loves reading and is one of those people that HAS to know how something works. 

This move is good for him though, and I can’t wait to see what he can accomplish next year!